Welcome to our rugby funnies page.
A guy goes into a pub with his dog:
Sorry mate, no dogs allowed", says the barman.
But this is a very special dog" claims the man, "he's a New Panteg supporter!".
The barman looks doubtfully at the pooch.
Honest", says the man, "he knows when New Panteg are playing, and when they get into the opposition 22 he does a back flip and spins around!!!"
That's incredible" says he barman.
The barman is well impressed and says: "If he does that when they get into the 22, what does he do when they score a try?"
The guy looks at him and says: "Dunno mate, I've only had him three years!!!"
"You've got to get your first tackle in early, even if it's late." Ray Gravell.
Little David was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; - Fireman, policeman, salesman, builder; David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and sleep with him."
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little David aside. She asked him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "My father plays rugby for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say".
New
Training Method.
Martin Johnson is curious to find out how Warren Gatland has turned around the fortunes of the Welsh team so quickly, so he decides to go to Cardiff and see how Gatland coaches his team. After a day he is not really impressed by the training routines so he asks Gatland how he manages to get his players so sharp. "Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally". Of course Martin Johnson wants an example, so Gatland asks James Hook to come over to the touchline. Gatland asks him: "Hooky, answer this question…..he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?".”That's easy", Hook answers immediately, "Of course, it's me". "You see? That's the way you keep them sharp", Gatland says to Johnson.
Martin Johnson, keen to take this on board decides to bring this into the next England squad session. He calls Andy Farrell over to the touchline. “Andy, answer this question”, he says, “He is not your brother, but he is still your father's son, who is he?” “Bleedin' 'ell" says Farrell, "That's a tough one to answer. Can I sleep on it tonight and tell you in the morning". "OK", says Johnson. "Anyway", continues Farrell, "why have you asked me the question?” Johnson explains it has to do with some New Zealand coaching method. So that night, unable to answer the question, Farrell has a bright idea and decides to phone his Saracen’s club team mate Chris Jacks and ask him for the answer; he's from New Zealand, so he's bound to know. “Jacko, can you help me with the answer to this question ... he is not your brother, but he is still your father's son. Who is he?”. “That's easy, it's me!” says Jacks.
So the next day Farrell walks full of confidence into training. Martin Johnson sees him and asks "OK, Andy do you know the answer to my question now?” "Of course, it was pretty easy really”; he says “It's Chris Jacks". "Don't be so bloody stupid" said Johnson, "its James Hook"
BLOCKER Start game
Pre-game pep talk before facing England: "Look what these bastards have done to Wales. They've taken our coal, our water, our steel. They buy our houses and they only live in them for a fortnight every 12 months. What have they given us? Absolutely nothing. We've been exploited, raped, controlled and punished by the English - and that's who you are playing this afternoon."
Phil Bennett (1977)
An Irish rugby player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt."
The doctor replied: "You've broken your finger."
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an England rugby fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the English fan - twice.
RUGBY DEFINITIONS
Rugby A game played with 30 men (2 are hookers) going both ways for 80min.
Referee A blind idiot that keeps persecuting me for no good reason
Good pass Any pass to me
Hands of stone What a teammate has when he drops my perfect pass
Bad pass Any pass that I drop, or a pass that is to another teammate while I was open
Off-side The referee's mistaken call for my enthusiasm
Free kick What a ref calls if he's not sure he should call a penalty or a scrum
Scrums Referees way of getting back at the forwards
Lineout A way for tall lanky player to feel useful
Aggressive play When I rake or stomp on an opposing player
Dirty play When an opposing player rakes or stomps on me
Decisive play I punch an opposing player, 'cause I know he was going to punch me!
Team player Teammate that pounds the opposing player that just raked me
Brute Thug on the other team that wants to punch my face in
Kick for goal When your team can't get close enough to score a try
Run the penalty When your kicker can't make the kick, even from 10m in front of the uprights
Good kick Any kick I get off
Bad kick When a teammate kicks the ball instead of passing to me, so I can kick
Good reception When I catch the ball
Bad reception When I drop the ball, BUT always because the sun got in my eyes!
Defensive player A player with hands of stone
Defensive team Team that scores less than five points and always win
Offensive player A player who can't tackle
Offensive team Team that scores more than thirty points, but always win by one or two
Team player A player who will always pass me the ball
Ball hog Teammate that goes for the try instead of passing to me
Backs Players who don't like physical contact
Forwards Player that have no hands, or are as slow as a slug
Good sport A player that doesn't slit tires of the other team because they won
Back from the match
Ianto and Dewi went to an important rugby match to Cardiff. When the match finished they realised that they had just missed the last bus back to Pontypridd. They saw the bus depot and Ianto decided to steal a bus and drive them home. Dewi acted as lookout. He could hear all sorts of noises coming from the depot. He heard Ianto start a bus, and then a crash. Then he heard another bus start and another crash. Then another. After half an hour Ianto drove out of the depot in a bus that was covered in dents.
“What have you been doing?” asked Dewi.
Ianto answered, “The trouble was that the bus to Pontypridd was right up the back.”
Watch and learn
Before an important rugby match the English fans and the Welsh fans were travelling to Cardiff together. The English fans noticed that the Welsh boys had only one ticket for six of them. When the ticket inspector was coming, one of the Welsh boys turned to the English fans and said, “Watch and learn.”
The Welsh boys crammed themselves into the toilet. The inspector banged on the toilet door saying, “Ticket, please.”
The door opened slightly and just one hand, holding a ticket poked through the gap. The ticket inspector punched the ticket and went off happy.
After the game, which Wales won, they all met at the Cardiff Station. The English boys bought just one ticket and they were surprised when the Welsh boys didn’t buy a ticket at all. One of the Welsh boys turned to the English fans and said, “Watch and learn.”
When they all got on the train, the English lads crammed themselves into the toilet. Two minutes later one of the Welsh boys banged on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
Other nation's versions of the Haka
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
The Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts while they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in cars shaped like red dildos, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park trucks across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a bar-b-que before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
Blackjack. Start game